I have a theory.

Some people think friendship is measured by frequency: how often you text, how fast you respond, how many plans you make, how many memes you send.

I have never really worked that way.

I can care about someone deeply and still go days, weeks, sometimes longer without talking to them.

Apparently this is confusing to people.

To me, it feels completely normal.

This started early.

When I was little, my grandma worried I was lonely because I was an only child at the time. So she invited the neighborhood kids over to play with me.

There is a photo from that era that pretty much explains my entire personality: I'm sitting on the floor playing with my toys while a group of kids stands around me watching.

Not playing. Watching.

Because I did not ask for visitors.

My poor grandma probably thought she was helping. I had other thoughts: Look, don't touch. Why are you here anyway?

Then came first grade. A little girl decided she wanted to be my best friend and made a solemn little promise that we'd play together at recess the next day.

Very sweet.

Except I apparently had other plans. The next day I told the teacher some completely fabricated story that resulted in this poor child staying inside while I went outside and played with whoever I actually wanted to play with.

Was this kind? Absolutely not.

Was I already unusually committed to controlling my own schedule? Unfortunately, yes.

In my defense, I was six.

Silence usually doesn't mean something happened.

If you haven't heard from me, there is a very good chance nothing is wrong.

I'm probably working, thinking, living, or drinking coffee somewhere and enjoying the fact that nobody is talking to me.

I don't interpret silence as rejection, so I forget other people sometimes do.

If we were good three weeks ago, I generally assume we're still good today. I don't need a friendship status update.

I also don't need to know what you had for lunch unless something genuinely interesting happened to the sandwich.

I like low-maintenance people.

My favorite friendships are the ones where nobody keeps score.

You disappear for a while. I disappear for a while. Then one of us sends a completely random message and the conversation continues like nobody went anywhere.

No guilt. No interrogation. No snippy comment.

Adulthood already comes with enough maintenance: jobs, families, appointments, responsibilities, and emails that somehow reproduce when you're not looking.

I don't want friendship to feel like another task I'm behind on.

Access is not the same thing as caring.

Social media gave us constant access to people. We can see where they went, what they ate, what they bought, what song they're listening to while apparently healing from something, and approximately seventeen things we never requested.

Somewhere along the way, availability became confused with affection.

I don't think they're the same thing.

I can love you and not answer my phone. Both things can be true.

And sometimes I do walk away.

This is the part where silence can mean something.

Sometimes I stop reaching out because I realized I was the only one doing the reaching. Sometimes the friendship became heavier than it was enjoyable. Sometimes every conversation left me drained. Sometimes a line got crossed and I didn't need a meeting about it.

There usually isn't a dramatic ending. No speech. No confrontation. No season finale.

I just get quieter.

Not every friendship ends because someone did something terrible. Sometimes people change. Priorities change. A connection that made sense five years ago simply doesn't fit anymore.

I'm not interested in performing closeness because history says I'm supposed to.

You can disagree with me without managing me.

This might be one reason I keep my circle small.

I like people who can have opinions without turning them into assignments for everyone else.

You don't have to like every decision I make. I don't have to like every decision you make. You also don't have to tell me what you would have done instead, especially if I didn't ask.

Not every thought needs to become feedback.

One of the healthiest sentences in the English language might be: “Wouldn't be my choice, but I get why it's yours.”

Beautiful. Everybody survives.

Friendship without the performance.

What I want from friendship is actually pretty simple.

Be honest. Be kind. Don't make everything about you. Don't require constant access as proof that I care. Tell me when something matters. Give me space when nothing does.

And please don't make me explain why I didn't respond to a text from Tuesday.

I probably read it. I probably meant to respond. Then my brain opened seventeen other tabs.

We're fine.

Friendship can be meaningful without being constant. We can care about each other without being attached at the notification bar. We can disappear and come back. We can disagree. We can give each other room.

We can be friends without being up each other's ass.

Honestly, that might be my favorite kind.

If this sounds familiar, read Nothing Is Missing.

And now I'm going back to minding my business.

Monica